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You
and Those Breasts
Nursing, Terrific for Baby and Mom, Can Pose Problems for Dads
by Armin Brott
Before their babies are born, just
about any expectant father knows breastfeeding is the best way to feed
a baby and that his partner should nurse their child for as long as
possible. Just consider these advantages:
-
There's no preparation, no heating, no bottles or
dishes to wash
-
It's free--formula ain't cheap these
days
-
It never runs out and there's no
waste either
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It's good for your partner, giving
her a chance to bond with the baby
-
It's good for your baby--it's the
perfect blend of nutrients. Breastfed kids have a much lower chance
than formula-fed kids of developing food allergies, respiratory-
and gastrointestinal illnesses, or of becoming obese as adults.
Even a mother's immunity to certain diseases may be transmitted.
-
Diapers don't stink--breastfed babies
produce stool that smells almost sweet--especially when you compare
it to the formula-fed kind.
After the baby comes, however, a whole
lot of doubts can surface. It's not that new fathers don't support breastfeeding-sure,
it's the best thing for everyone concerned. It's just that the whole
thing makes them feel left out.
Breastfeeding "perpetuates the exclusive
relationship the mother and infant experienced during pregnancy," writes
Dr. Pamela Jordan, one of the few researchers ever to explore the effects
of breastfeeding on men. As a result, it's pretty common for new breastfeeding-spectator
fathers to feel some or all of the following:
- a fear that it's going to get harder to bond and
develop a relationship with his child
- a sense of inadequacy, that nothing he could ever
do could ever compete with his partner's breasts
- a feeling of resentment toward the baby who has
"come between" him and his partner
- a sense of relief when the baby is weaned because
he'll finally have a chance to catch up
- a sense that because women can breastfeed they
somehow possess the knowledge and skills that make them naturally
better parents (which means, of course, that men just aren't suited
for the job).
Studies of new and expectant parents show
that they consider feeding to be the most important aspect of caring
for an infant. And there's no question that if your partner is breastfeeding
you're at a bit of a disadvantage in that regard. But just because she's
got control of the breasts and the food that's in them doesn't mean
that you have to back off. There are a number of ways you can get involved
in the process and help make breastfeeding as pleasant an experience
as possible for everyone:
- Bottle feed the baby with breast-milk. But don't
push too hard on this one; many women find expressing milk (manually
or with a pump) uncomfortable or even painful. If you decide to
go this route, wait a few weeks before introducing the bottle so
your baby will have a chance to get completely comfortable with
nursing on a real breast.
- Try not to take it personally if your baby seems
less than interested in taking a bottle from you. Once they've gotten
used to their mother's nipples, some babies get a little surprised
when presented with a plastic one. Others may simply refuse to take
a bottle at all, probably just on principle. But don't give up.
Plastic nipples, like real ones, come in all shapes and sizes. So
you may have to do a little experimenting before you and your baby
discover the kind she likes best (which may not have anything in
common with the kind you like best.)
- Get plenty of private time with the baby for activities
that provide regular skin-to-skin contact. Things like changing
diapers, cuddling, putting to sleep, bathing, and even just sitting
in a chair reading while the baby naps on your shirt-less chest
are great. They give you and the baby a chance to be alone together
and create your own relationship. The more this happens, the more
you'll feel confident in your own abilities as a parent.
- If you can't do the skin-to-skin thing, spend plenty
of time with your baby just hanging out. Take him for walks in the
stroller, put him in a front-pack and go grocery shopping, whatever
you can think of to be together.
- Support your partner any way you can. The current
thinking among pediatricians is that women should try to breastfeed
for at least a year. Interestingly, studies have shown that the
more supportive their partners, the longer women breastfeed and
the more confident they feel in their ability to do so.
- Be patient if your partner seems less interested
in sex. Imagine, for example, that someone has been crawling all
over you and sucking on your breasts five or six times a day for
fifteen or twenty minutes a crack. You just might be somewhat
less than completely enthusiastic about having yet another person
grope you at the end of the day. Your partner's nursing may also
affect intercourse as well. Nursing women produce lower levels
of the ovarian hormones that are responsible for producing vaginal
lubrication. Without that lubrication, intercourse can be uncomfortable
or even painful. So instead of thinking that your partner isn't
aroused by you any more, just stock up on a good water-based lubricant.
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