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Sperm:
The Ultimate Childbirth Solution

by Michael Shaw

Here’s One for the Boys

There, I’ve said it. Now say it with me fellers, shout it from the rooftops, loud and proud: Sperm! Even all my homies out in Brooklyn: Spoim!

Yes, women must suffer the trials and tribulations of gestation, childbirth, nursing, diaper changing, raising, rearing, cleaning, nurturing, etc. etc. etc. But without that little tadpole of love from some sweaty galoot, nothing gets done.

An oversimplification?  Of course!  Still the fact remains, whether if it’s with the man of her dreams, a designer donor, or a turkey baster, the mis en place of procreation is incomplete without one vital ingredient the Alfredo Sauce of Love.

Why my sudden preoccupation with the little swimmers?  Full disclosure: I have had the faucets turned off (first the left, and then the right, but that’s another story).  My little soldiers have been permanently confined to quarters, to endlessly circle in a scrotal cloverleaf looking for the exit ramp. And as I have posited earlier, since all sperm are inherently male, none of them will ask for directions, contented to swim endless laps.

Where else but here to pay tribute to the hardest working gametes in show business.  (After all, what guy doesn’t feel a sense of: a. gratitude, b. utter amazement or c. total shock, when one of his tiny passion arrows manages to hit the biological bulls eye.)  So, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to pick up my ol’ raggedy instrument one more time to sing this little tribute

TO ALL OF THOSE I’VE LAUNCHED BEFORE

              To all of those I've launched before
              Some hit the mark, some hit the floor-
              I'm glad they made the trip
              Each and every drip,
              To all of those I've launched before
              To all the swimmers I set free
              On their trip of ecstasy,
              For helping me to grow,
              I owe a lot, I know
              To all of those I’ve launched before
             To all those who lost their way
              Or just swam around and played
              I'm glad they came along
              I dedicate this song
              To all of those I've launched before
              To all of those I’ve launched before
              And those who’ll stay since I’ve locked the door
              Have fun in your retirement
              Procreation is not a requirement
              To all of those I’ve launched before

Vaya con Dios, mis pequeños nadadores. (Go with God, my small swimmers)